Jen's Spicy Sausage Pasta or I'm Too Lazy To Open a Can

So, as it turns out the Meal Planning Mommies are going to make it easy for us today by not only introducing a disgusting dish containing both elements of faux cheese and faux sausage, but also indicating just how helplessly lazy they are. Case in point: Jen's Spicy Sausage Pasta.

Okay, so lets dive right into things. I'll give a pass for the use of turkey sausage over regular sausage- The health benefits saved by using turkey sausage far outweigh the risks involved with consuming regular pork sausage, kielbasa, or andouille on a regular basis. In fact, at Casa de Us we use it on a regular basis- After one or two meals you get over the fact that the meat in question tastes more like a hot dog than the comforting taste of ground pork fat and spices contained withing an intestinal casing.

However, the recipe instantly dissolves into a clusterfuck of disgusting ingredients with the introduction of both Colby-Jack cheese and Italian Dressing. I'll admit it, I like colby-jack cheese but only with the understanding that it's a guilty pleasure that I would not force upon anyone whose company I enjoyed. Yes, I will gladly pick the little morsels of marbled goodness off of a cheese tray as some misguided party, but let's face the facts: This cheese is likely the combination of two disparate varieties of cheese which were not of optimum enough quality to be classified as their intended cheeses. In short: The crappy colby cheese has been stuffed with filler sub-prime monterey jack and sold to unsuspecting purchasers as some magical new variety. Hey, did you hear that I just invented a new cheese? It's called Ghouda-Cheeze Whiz. It's fucking amazing!

And what the hell is up with the Italian Dressing? You know what salad dressing is great with? Salads! You what it's disgusting with? Anything other than a fucking salad! Use of salad dressing in any recipe that what is not at least 95% vegetables is the layman's way of saying "I want to season this dish but I have no idea how to wield my spice rack of salt, pepper, and Emeril's premixed BAM pixie dust into anything remotely tasty." Here's the fact: If you use salad dressing in a recipe you're going to only going to end up with and end product whose consistency is that of the bodily product of a head cold.

Then the moron has the gall to mix these unholy ingredients together into a clusterfuck which indeed resembles the visual and textual products of the malady referenced above:

Now, what makes this meal "Special" is the fact that its ingredients are meant to be "OMG FROZEN IN ADVANCE TO SAVE TIME!!!" So let's get this straight: You precook the already precooked sausage, cut up cheese, open a can of tomatoes, and pour in salad dressing. Now, when it comes time to cook this all you have to defrost the entire bag- oh, and cook the pasta. Now total time saved is:

1. Cut up sausage: 1 minute. 2 minutes if you've never seen a knife before.
2. Cut up cheese: Same as above.
3. Open a can: Maximum 1 minute when blindfolded and wearing mittens.
4. Pouring dressing: 30 seconds depending on the daily value of gravity.

Wow, you saved 5 minutes- You know, those five minutes that it's going to take for your pasta water to boil in the first place. Only now your ingredients are likely freezer burned due to your inevitable mispackaging of the bag after sitting in the freezer for months under that oft used bag of pizza rolls. Oh, and since you're using cheese in place of an actual sauce I can assure you that cleanup is going to take at least 3 times longer than if you had prepared the meal proper in the first place. No thanks mom, I think I'm gonna pass on this meal.

Final rating of this meal on the newly minted MPM Fail Scale: 7